Scott Wilder - ish

Kathie will tell you that I spend way too much time staring at the
whiteboard and my spread sheets. At this point we're to the place
where there's not a whole lot more we car actively do to "make things
happen".

I'm working the extra jobs. The money comes in. The money goes out.
Easy-peasy Japanesey (Extra points if you know the reference)

Amazingly, little things keep coming along that make things better.

The latest example: I have a health spending account as part of my
church benefits package. The max I can contribute to that HSA is $5900
per year. Through a bizarre set of circumstances we've essentially
contributed the max for the year. SO\o by turning off the
contributions for the remainder of the year; we get EXTRA MONEY to
throw at the debt snowball!

What that means in practical terms is that the last monthly credit
card payment that I've been nervous about is now easily in the budget
for the next three months and the only $$$ I HAVE to bring in to keep
the boat floating is $250 for groceries. Anything I bring in over and
above goes right to the debt snowball

I've got to say that these little financial wins don't make sense to
me. It's because when I look at the white board; I see what we owe and
I don't see the total series of dominoes that fall every time a debt
gets eliminated.

Now I would never say that this war on debt has been easy. Everyone I
know makes comments that I look tired all the time. That's because I
am. Three jobs take a toll and I work hard. But I would never have
anticipated how all the pieces would fall in line. A little over a
month ago; the word I would have used to describe our household
finances would be "chaos". Now there's a very nice logic and order to
everything.

Logic and Order. Sound suspiciously close to "Peace".

And that makes perfect sense.

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So let's drill down a little more on the last post.

 I was so excited to make the announcement that I didn't really go deep
into the details.

 When we lived near Chicago, Kathie had a job that offered stock to
their employees.

 So Kathie went ahead and got some.

 So it sat there and through these turbulent times and as a result
hasn't really grown a whole bunch.

 Once we realized how deep in debt we were; I spent a ton of time just
figuring out how we can scrape together cash to get this elephant
moving. I immediately took to first part time job I could find to
supplement my full time job. And I started looking for a 3rd job
(which I have now). We had totally forgotten that we had money in
stocks!!!

 So it was a no brainer decision. Cash out the stock, get the Baby
Emergency Fund fully funded at $1000. Pay off the remaining $2700 left
on our Kia Sedona. And we still had enough left over to pay off a few
very small credit cards.

 The other big win is that paying off the van brings more than $300 per
month back into our budget. Nice!!!

 Of course Murphy continues to rear his head. It looks like our hot
water heater is going to need replacing. Due to the VERY hard water
where we live. We seem to be literally burning through tank-based
water heaters every 4 or 5 years. So now we're investigating tankless
water heaters. Because they don't heat 24/7; most of the hard water in
the system gets flushed out the next time hot water is needed. If the
sediment does build up then a simple visit by a specialist to do a
deep cleaning is all that is required. Still weighing tank v.
tankless. But we need to do something before the small leak becomes a
big one.

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Last time I posted, I told you that I'm a "fixer" by nature. I see a
problem... I fix it. One of the personal issues this brings up for me
is that not only do I go about fixing the problem. But I also tend to
FIXATE on the issue at hand. That's just the way I'm wired. When I
decide to do something, I throw myself into the task whole-heartedly.

 How this manifests itself in this debt war is that I tend to spend
much of my time at home sitting at the desk that's dedicated to
finances and staring at the white board. Where can we squeeze a few
extra dollars from? What's the next due date? Is getting a 3rd job
enough or will I need a 4th? Will it ever end? And while it may just
look like I'm sitting there lost in thought, I'm actually stuck in
this cycle of fixation that robs me of grace and peace.

 Let me try to explain. These days I don't feel much grace. Not grace
from others. People have been wonderful, helpful and supportive. I'm
talking about that self-grace. The ability to look at yourself in the
mirror and know that it's okay to let yourself off the hook for past
wrongs. Instead I look at this mountain of debt and instead of grace,
I feel things like shame, anger, self-loathing and fear. All healthy
if kept in proper perspective. But debilitating if left to grow
unrestricted.

 The peace that the bible talks about is a very abstract thing to me. I
don't know that I've ever been able to abide in that place of utter
peace for more than a few moments at a time. I do know that the more I
pursue peace, the more elusive and unknowable it seems.

 And let me remind you that I have a really blessed life. I have a
wonderful, loving and supportive family (two actually), friends I
wouldn't trade for anything, a reliable income, a roof over my head,
food on the table, lots of neat toys and most importantly a faith that
is continually remaking me.

 So this debt thing. It's not just about the flow of money and the fact
that it's not flowing anywhere useful. It's not even so much that more
of it is flowing out than is flowing in. This debt thing is about
finding our way back to grace and peace. With God, with people and
with myself.

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Seeing as we have years to talk about the details of our debt
situation and our road to recovery; I thought it might be good to lay
some groundwork and write about some of the non-money realities of
being so deep in debt.

 Without a doubt, the newfound illumination of our debt reality is
causing friction in our household. Like most guys, I'm a "fixer" by
nature. I see a problem, I fix the problem. Talking about it,
meditating on it, considering the ramifications of it are all nice
things. But fixing it is really the bottom line. So I've been in war
mode. And debt is my enemy. But Kathie is not my enemy. She is my
bride and my partner. This is where things get dicey. Our plan from
the words "I do" was that when we had a baby; she would be a SAHM
(Stay at Home Mom). And that's where we are. I work which brings home
the bulk of our household income. And even though this is the ideal
situation for us overall; I can't help but feel a little bit like I'm
fighting the debt war alone on the financial front.

 Now don't get me wrong. My wife is AWESOME! A week from now we'll
celebrate eight years of married life. And I'm learning to value her
more and more as time goes on. But we're regular people and we have
arguments just like anyone else. We bicker. We huff and puff.
Occasionally we go to our corners for a time out. But we also forgive,
reconnect and move forward. It's not easy. I'm just as good at holding
a grudge as anyone. And compromising and forgiving means that I don't
always feel like I've "won" in the traditional sense. But financial
peace is meaningless if there's not a relational peace in our family.

 So here we are. Just walking day by day. Not only fighting to erase
our financial debt. But working hard to have a relational bank account
that's overflowing.

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