Scott Wilder - ish

Last time I posted, I told you that I'm a "fixer" by nature. I see a
problem... I fix it. One of the personal issues this brings up for me
is that not only do I go about fixing the problem. But I also tend to
FIXATE on the issue at hand. That's just the way I'm wired. When I
decide to do something, I throw myself into the task whole-heartedly.

 How this manifests itself in this debt war is that I tend to spend
much of my time at home sitting at the desk that's dedicated to
finances and staring at the white board. Where can we squeeze a few
extra dollars from? What's the next due date? Is getting a 3rd job
enough or will I need a 4th? Will it ever end? And while it may just
look like I'm sitting there lost in thought, I'm actually stuck in
this cycle of fixation that robs me of grace and peace.

 Let me try to explain. These days I don't feel much grace. Not grace
from others. People have been wonderful, helpful and supportive. I'm
talking about that self-grace. The ability to look at yourself in the
mirror and know that it's okay to let yourself off the hook for past
wrongs. Instead I look at this mountain of debt and instead of grace,
I feel things like shame, anger, self-loathing and fear. All healthy
if kept in proper perspective. But debilitating if left to grow
unrestricted.

 The peace that the bible talks about is a very abstract thing to me. I
don't know that I've ever been able to abide in that place of utter
peace for more than a few moments at a time. I do know that the more I
pursue peace, the more elusive and unknowable it seems.

 And let me remind you that I have a really blessed life. I have a
wonderful, loving and supportive family (two actually), friends I
wouldn't trade for anything, a reliable income, a roof over my head,
food on the table, lots of neat toys and most importantly a faith that
is continually remaking me.

 So this debt thing. It's not just about the flow of money and the fact
that it's not flowing anywhere useful. It's not even so much that more
of it is flowing out than is flowing in. This debt thing is about
finding our way back to grace and peace. With God, with people and
with myself.

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Seeing as we have years to talk about the details of our debt
situation and our road to recovery; I thought it might be good to lay
some groundwork and write about some of the non-money realities of
being so deep in debt.

 Without a doubt, the newfound illumination of our debt reality is
causing friction in our household. Like most guys, I'm a "fixer" by
nature. I see a problem, I fix the problem. Talking about it,
meditating on it, considering the ramifications of it are all nice
things. But fixing it is really the bottom line. So I've been in war
mode. And debt is my enemy. But Kathie is not my enemy. She is my
bride and my partner. This is where things get dicey. Our plan from
the words "I do" was that when we had a baby; she would be a SAHM
(Stay at Home Mom). And that's where we are. I work which brings home
the bulk of our household income. And even though this is the ideal
situation for us overall; I can't help but feel a little bit like I'm
fighting the debt war alone on the financial front.

 Now don't get me wrong. My wife is AWESOME! A week from now we'll
celebrate eight years of married life. And I'm learning to value her
more and more as time goes on. But we're regular people and we have
arguments just like anyone else. We bicker. We huff and puff.
Occasionally we go to our corners for a time out. But we also forgive,
reconnect and move forward. It's not easy. I'm just as good at holding
a grudge as anyone. And compromising and forgiving means that I don't
always feel like I've "won" in the traditional sense. But financial
peace is meaningless if there's not a relational peace in our family.

 So here we are. Just walking day by day. Not only fighting to erase
our financial debt. But working hard to have a relational bank account
that's overflowing.

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