The Mental Cost of Debt
Last time I posted, I told you that I'm a "fixer" by nature. I see a
problem... I fix it. One of the personal issues this brings up for me
is that not only do I go about fixing the problem. But I also tend to
FIXATE on the issue at hand. That's just the way I'm wired. When I
decide to do something, I throw myself into the task whole-heartedly.
much of my time at home sitting at the desk that's dedicated to
finances and staring at the white board. Where can we squeeze a few
extra dollars from? What's the next due date? Is getting a 3rd job
enough or will I need a 4th? Will it ever end? And while it may just
look like I'm sitting there lost in thought, I'm actually stuck in
this cycle of fixation that robs me of grace and peace. Let me try to explain. These days I don't feel much grace. Not grace
from others. People have been wonderful, helpful and supportive. I'm
talking about that self-grace. The ability to look at yourself in the
mirror and know that it's okay to let yourself off the hook for past
wrongs. Instead I look at this mountain of debt and instead of grace,
I feel things like shame, anger, self-loathing and fear. All healthy
if kept in proper perspective. But debilitating if left to grow
unrestricted. The peace that the bible talks about is a very abstract thing to me. I
don't know that I've ever been able to abide in that place of utter
peace for more than a few moments at a time. I do know that the more I
pursue peace, the more elusive and unknowable it seems. And let me remind you that I have a really blessed life. I have a
wonderful, loving and supportive family (two actually), friends I
wouldn't trade for anything, a reliable income, a roof over my head,
food on the table, lots of neat toys and most importantly a faith that
is continually remaking me. So this debt thing. It's not just about the flow of money and the fact
that it's not flowing anywhere useful. It's not even so much that more
of it is flowing out than is flowing in. This debt thing is about
finding our way back to grace and peace. With God, with people and
with myself.
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